And the impending buyer of General Motor’s Hummer division is… China’s Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co. LTD. Sorry, never heard of them and chances are that 99.99% of those reading this post haven’t either. But if you must know, GM said that Tengzhong, which is based in the Chinese province of Sichuan, is a “privately-owned company and a leading domestic manufacturer of road, construction and energy industry equipment.” In an earlier statement, GM said that the sale is expected to close by the end of third quarter of 2009 and that it will secure more than 3,000 US jobs.

“The HUMMER brand is synonymous with adventure, freedom and exhilaration, and we plan to continue that heritage by investing in the business, allowing HUMMER to innovate and grow in exciting new ways under the leadership and continuity of its current management team,” said Yang Yi, CEO of Tengzhong. “We will be investing in the HUMMER brand and its research and development capabilities, which will allow HUMMER to better meet demand for new products such as more fuel-efficient vehicles in the U.S.”

HUMMER’s chief James Taylor said, “With Tengzhong’s investment and strong support, we will be able to make our visions a reality. This transaction, if successful, will secure more than 3,000 U.S. jobs, and allow us to embark on a more aggressive global expansion, ensuring a successful future with our new partners.”

So that you know let us ask you: If the deal is sealed, what do you think that the future holds for a Chinese-owned HUMMER and its U.S. based employees?

There I was, minding my own business on the Internet, when HUMMER sauntered up and threw me against a locker. “Alpha stole your virtual girlfriend. And your real one,” grumbled the ever-subtle brand’s banner ad. Okay, HUMMER, I’ll bite (so to speak). Who’s Alpha, what’s he got that I haven’t? And— most importantly— how is this going to delay the inevitable fizzling of your fifteen minutes?

My questions were answered two weeks later at a ride-and-drive in Southern California. There I was, strolling through the SUV staging area, when Alpha struck again. “Gahh! The glare!” Shielding my eyes against a blinding sun-on-chrome conflagration, I winced to make out the telltale Alpha badge, applied to a suspiciously bling-encrusted H3. Hang on. A glammed-up H3? This is what’s got HUMMER’s ad men revving-up their bollock-swinging routine?

Well, erm… yes. But what HUMMER’s particularly pumped about is Alpha’s 5.3-liter, 300hp V8, borrowed from GM’s full-sized pickups. Like an under-endowed divorcee’s post-surgical-enhancement, this H3, freed of its flaccid five-cylinder powerplant, has something to prove. Thing is, most women I know are turned off by insecurity. Which makes me wonder what my virtual girlfriend saw in Alpha in the first place. Read more »